Voldy and Crew: Diary of an evil wizard in thehood
by Scandalacious Intentions
Summary: February 16th: Dolohov’s owl is no more. I put the Imperius Curse on it and made it dance to Spandau Ballet, off the window ledge and into Bella’s rose bush. Good times. Good times.


**Disclaimer: It's not mine. Although if it was, I think I would quite like to portray Voldy like this…**

**A.N: Sorry Voldy fans.**

**1981**

**January 1st**

Is New Year's Day the most boring of the year, or what? All my homies are busy and I is well bored. Watched Disney films all day. Is it just me or is Maleficent seriously hot? I'd give her one anyway…

**February 14****th**

I forgot I had this diary. I _always _keep forgetting to write in my diaries. I still haven't found that one from 1952. That could be useful. I could keep a bit of my soul in that. That would be well cool. No-one would ever think of looking there, izzit? If this is being read by an Auror, may the record state that this is the diary of Lucius Malfoy. Anyway, I is in hell again 'coz no-one sent me a Valentine's card. I mean, I know love is worthless and all that jazz right, but it would be well nice to have a card. I would feel sexy. Why am I not sexy? At least I still have a nose at this point. Maybe I should send a card to my nose, it might not be around much longer…

Ooh the letterbox! A Valentine's card! Decided not to put the Imperius Curse on the Postman I was so happy.

**February 15****th**

Card a joke from Dolohov. I cannot face the world izzit. He said he couldn't use his owl because I'd know who it was from.

**February 16****th**

Dolohov's owl is no more. I put the Imperius Curse on it and made it dance to Spandau Ballet, off the window ledge and into Bella's rose bush. Good times. Good times.

**February 25****th**

Mulciber met the werewolf and ended up killing his own wife. It was all very exciting.

**March 1****st**** - St. David's Day**

Who is Saint David anyway? Can't be that famous, I've never heard of him. I'm changing the name to St. Voldy day just because I is the lord and master of evil and that is what I do.

**March 5****th**

Dolohov brought his new owl round and didn't let go of it once. He said I could name it though which is well cool. Dolohov and me are 'safe' again now and celebrated by attempting to break each other's knuckles.

Called the owl 'Potter' for the lolz. Drew glasses on him and messed up his feathers. Was almost tempted to put '_Gold' _on again and repeat last month's activities. I think I will make Potter dance off his own window ledge. Maybe not to Spandau Ballet though, I can't have people knowing I listen to that crap…. It's irrelevant anyway, I've got to find him first.

**March 16****th**

Made a new friend, Peter. He's so white and nerdy but most useful. He says he doesn't want it put about that he's hanging with the homies. Couldn't agree more to be honest, I wouldn't own up to chilling with him for all the Potters in the land. Lucky we have Bella to up the pretty stakes.

**March 25****th**

Have decided we should all get tattoos. I want 'I heart Voldy' over everyone's chest by the end of the week.

**March 28****th**

Excellent moment of genius ruined once more by Dolohov who said that was too obvious and said that we should all get skulls on our wrists. He wants to call them "Dark Marks". Curse Dolohov and his bloody rhyming skills. He has a point though, it's catchy. He is such an attention whore. If he doesn't stop trying to lead the homies, Dolohov will _be_ a skull on my wrist.

**March 30****th**

Ordered some bitchin masks from the local fancy dress shop. We is gonna look smokin'…

**April 4****th**

Buck's Fizz won the Eurovision Song Contest! It's Scandalous! Will look into the murder of Terry Wogan…after I kill Potter.

**April 18****th**

More bad news. Yes! have split up. No!

**April 23****rd-****St. George's Day**.

Bella wanted St. Bella's Day. Told her no. She seems most upset. Must go round later to point and laugh.

**April 27****th**

Stayed in today. No-one to stalk or kill. Feel as though I have earned a day of doing nothing. Watched day-time television with Mulciber. No wonder people work.

**May 1****st**** - Bank Holiday**

GAY! There is nothing on! The homies are having a party. I'm not going. I refuse to speak to Dolohov. Might kill him actually…

**May 3****rd**

Never actually told you what Dolohov did. Well, it was proper bad. The masks came and Dolohov said they looked stupid. I obviously put the Cruciatus Curse on him but it didn't make me feel any better. Although watching him roll around the floor in agony was lol-worthy. Dolohov is no longer allowed a mask. We are no longer safe either. Might tell someone he's a Death Eater. Pretty good plan if I do say so myself.

**May 5****th**

Threatened Dolohov with telling the minister of magic he's a Death Eater. Marvellous plan once again foiled by Dolohov who said that to do that, everyone would have to see me and I would be killed. Bugger!

**May 9****th**

My unlucky day. Peter says Potter is using the Fidelius Charm. Asked Peter to go round and pick up hints. He says Sirius Black is the secret keeper. Bella offered to kill him. Was tempted to let her. Would do no good. Black apparently won't tell and would sooner die anyway so we'd never find them if Black was dead. Tempting though, tempting…

**May 16****th**

Megalolz! Black has started to suspect there's a spy in their midst. Peter says Black blames the werewolf. Laugh, I nearly broke a rib!

**May 17****th**

Ribs very sore.

**May 18****th**

Still smarting. People think I'd let a werewolf in? I ought to have been more selective. I only wanted clever, beautiful, pure blooded, witty people. Is that too much to ask? As soon as Peter tells me where they are, I think I'd better kill him.

**June 5****th**

Still no sign of Potter. Peter finally got a tattoo. He's really a homie now. Oh God…

**June 24****th**

Terribly busy fortnight. It's not easy being an evil wizard in the hood. Bella still pissed that I'm spending so much time with Peter. She's quite neurotic about it.

**June 26****th**

Time for a haircut I think.

**July 1****st**** - Aunt Mable's Birthday**

Not entirely sure this is _my _diary. I certainly don't recall an Aunt Mable. Though I can't be expected to keep up with _all_ my wheelings and dealings.

**July 1****st**

Mulciber informed me, it was _his_ diary and I have ruined it. Oh well.

**July 5****th**

Busy, busy, busy. Made another horcrux. Feel a bit queasy.

**July 6****th**

Confined to bed in need of rest. This hostile take over plan really takes it out of you. I'd quite like some nibbles. Wonder if Bella would fetch me some cheese straws…

**July 31****st**

Lovely. Peter can't be here for the grand mask unveiling. Good. He wasn't going to have one anyway…I've given his to Dolohov now. I'll be killing Peter soon and it seems a shame to waste a mask. I'm not made of money.

Peter seems to be suffering from tattoo remorse. I don't think he likes the colour, that'll be it. Black really washes him out.

Turns out Peter couldn't make it because he was at that little brat's birthday party. Was placated with cake. Loves it.

**August 4****th**

Dentist appointment 2:30

**August 18****th**

Laugh! I actually cried! Black and Lupin have apparently had a mega bust-up. Fisticuffs in the Potters' kitchen. I wish I could have seen it. No, _really_. I could have finished them all off in one go…except the cat…I'm really rather fond of their cat.

**September 1****st**

Well it's been one hell of a summer. Proper good. Snape's taken up dress making so we all have hot new robes, me and the homies had picnics and went Muggle baiting and Mulciber even took me fishing. Think he's missing his wife. No idea why. Terribly podgy little thing.

**September 5****th**

DEVELOPMENT! All systems are go at Voldy HQ! Apparently, get this…right, Potter and Black have been talking about the charm and Black says the spy is blatantly the damned half-breed. Peter says Potter and the future Mrs. Snape have been fighting like cat and dog about it. She seems to refuse to believe it's Lupin. Cleverer than she looks obviously. As soon as she marries Snape, she can be my lie detector lady.

**September 12****th**

Aha! Black and the werewolf now refuse to be in the house at the same time. Peter says he's trying his best to stir up some shit. I believe him, that's what he does best.

**September 30****th**

Potter's Halloween Party cancelled. Hahaha!

**October 8****th**

Bella says she feels neglected. I told her "Shut up biatch!". She slapped me.

**October 9****th**

Ugly red mark still on cheek. Damn. She's lucky she's pretty.

**October 24****th**

Lupin and Potter argued big time. Peter told me all about it. I had him acting it out for the homies. We were like ROTFL!

**October 30****th**

PETER'S SECRET KEEPER! Thank you Black. Must remember to send a card and fruit basket.

**October 31****st**

WOOT! Tonight's gonna be well good! Might get a bit of vodka in and have a party later. I've left that to Bella. Severus has had a terrible tantrum; got on his knees and begged. Megalolz. I've gone for all black tonight. I truly am a vision in monochrome. Peter's getting terribly twitchy. What on earth can be bothering him? Oh yes, he's just betrayed his friends in the lowest possible way. Good old Peter. Anyway, best cut a rug. Tell you how well it went when I get back.


End file.
